she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
