i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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