I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize