just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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