I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
