My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
