I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
