i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
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Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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