She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
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but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
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earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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