Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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