I'd wear matching sweaters with you
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So. Much. Porn.
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