then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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