I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
