fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
