I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat