I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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