I am spending my child support on dildos
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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