Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
