i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
