so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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