This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
