M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
