I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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