Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
even my farts smell like vagina
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
