Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
