Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So squirting runs in the family.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
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