he wants to bone in the snuggie
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
PANTIES FOUND
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
