Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
