Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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