If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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