Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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