He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
