You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
