Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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