Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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