there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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