I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize