So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
