im drinking this country out of the recession.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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