I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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