i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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