she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
