Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
