you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
