the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
