dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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