why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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