Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
