it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
