He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
