I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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