he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
