I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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