i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
