just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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